By Patricia Lefave, Labeled, D.D. (P)
If you want to be an accepted member of a highly dysfunctional group, while maintaining a façade of normality, there is a list of rules which you would be wise to understand and follow in order to keep up your standing in the group. Many of these rules are not stated overtly and a great deal of time can be wasted trying to decipher them based on group interaction. To save some people time and energy in that pursuit, I have decided to post a list of these rules here in order to offer a better chance of integration into such groups with far less confusion. Advance knowledge will do much to clear up any confusion.
1. There must be no direct admission that anything ‘bad’ or less than well intentioned has ever happened. Such events are to be ‘overlooked.’ If they are mentioned by any group member for any reason, they should be instantly denied by the other group members.
2. No emotional reacting to any kind of abusive behaviour from authority figures or those who support and enable them. That will be considered to be a sign of weakness.
3. No talking about the event outside the group. No one will be believe you anyway because the other group members are very good at wearing a façade of normality with others and are generally accepted as ‘extroverts.’
4. No talking about it INSIDE the group. No one wants to deal with it in any way other than the one already prescribed by the group as a whole.
5. No suggesting psychological help for the abuser. No telling him or her that he or she is doing something wrong. It enrages the abuser to be told that. The result of doing so may be only some ‘help for the complainant with his or her ‘perception/reaction’ problem.
6. No looking to any of the other members of the group for emotional support. They support the groupthink and will not be making any waves by hinting that anything is wrong with that.
7. No expression of negative emotions allowed. (and we all know that doesn’t include smiling, although too MUCH smiling may also be disallowed. A certain level of smiling is allowed as the abuse may be frequently defined as a ‘joke’ and if you don’t smile while be abused you may well be accused of having no sense of humour, another of your many faults.
8. There is to be no defending yourself while you are being attacked. as that is ‘being defensive’ and being defensive is a negative character trait of yours also.
9. There is no perception of yourself AS ‘being attacked’ either since the attack is NOT an ‘attack’ it is only a joke.’
10. No confronting of your abuser. It upsets them if you do that and you’re not perfect either (which will be pointed out to you) and since you are not perfect (which I am sure you will agree) you have no right to object to the way you are being treated. Only ‘perfect’ people are ‘allowed’ to object to that.
11. No awareness in general of what is being done to you. That is another of your character flaws known as being ‘too sensitive.’
12. No thinking that your feelings matter as much as anyone else’s in the group. They don’t. If you think they do, you are just being self centered. Only the other person’s feelings matter and that will be repeated to you until you either accept it or give up trying to make the point and accept that no one is interested in how you feel about this.
13. No awareness of group dysfunction is allowed in the first place. That is being ‘judgmental and disloyal’ to the group and they can’t have that.
14. No trying to stop the abuser. That will only make him or her even worse.
15. No expecting someone who appears to genuinely fail to understand what they are doing to learn to understand. It is your job to let all the negative results to you, as an effect of the group’s behaviour, to just ‘roll off your back.’ (Greasing up your back may help it slide off better if it feels like you are being stuck with a load you can’t carry.)
16. No finding fault with the authority’s behaviour or ideas. That would be like ‘blaming’ and blaming is of course, always wrong when you are the one doing it. That is especially true if it is authority figures who are the ones being blamed.
17. No expecting the abuser to be responsible of his or her own behaviour because they are ‘sick’ or unaware of it, or drunk. If they are sick, then they can’t help it. If the are unaware of it, it is a fault in you to point it out. If they are drunk, they have a ‘disease’ and again, they can’t help it. So stop your whining.
18. No questioning the rules. The rules are there because they work. ( for somebody)
19. No trying to resolve past incidents or express any feelings about them either. That would be bitching and complaining or ‘dwelling in the past’ and that is also wrong. A good correction for you would be to tell you, “You must let it go…..” (the fault is in you if you don’t. It is not in those who continue to pretend they have done nothing wrong) Once an abuser has pretended they have not done what they have done, there is a statute of limitations on you awareness of it. If that amount of time has passed, YOU will be found guilty of having unrealistic expectations.
20. No taking anything that is done or said to you ‘personally.’ (no emotional ‘histrionics’ in other words) To think of yourself as a person and expecting to be treated as a person is to display your selfishness and your ‘touchiness.’
21. No breaking of any of these rules. To attempt to break these rules will be seen as an attempt to break the group itself.
22. No being consciously aware that there is a whole system of crazy rules which you are expected to follow. You don’t see them written down anywhere in the group itself do you? If it isn’t written down then it can’t be real.
If you understand and obey all of these rules (which really don’t exist) you may become a successful card carrying member in good standing, of virtually ANY dysfunctional group. So, get to work memorizing all the rules which don’t really exist until they become automatic responses for you. After you have perfected that, throw the list away and forget there ever was a list. You will now fit into any dysfunctional society, anywhere. Congratulations of achieving normality!
Showing posts with label Breaking the Abuse Cycle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Breaking the Abuse Cycle. Show all posts
Friday, December 29, 2006
Overcoming the Trap of the Co-Dependent Maze by Breaking the Rules
By Patricia Lefave, D.D. (P)
1. Talk openly about boundary violating behaviour. Abuse of any kind is not to be denied or ‘overlooked.’
2. React emotionally without acting out physically but if it is too strong go and blow off the excess energy somewhere to release it safely. Physical release works wonders. Reality based anger helps all people to develop boundaries. I think of it as a signaling device which is very accurate. Speak in the first person rather than, “You blinkety blankety **#!” The other may well BE a blinkety blankety **#! But yelling it will only cause you problems. Still, anger in the right amount indicates the violator that you are aware you boundaries are being violated and that THEY are out of line.
3. Find someone safe to discuss this with OUTSIDE the dysfunctional family or group; preferably someone who will not repeat it to others. Since you are not talking about the one to whom you are relaying the information, he or she is lees likely to feel the need to stop the conversation. It does have to be someone accepting of your reality though for this to work well.
If the family or other dysfunctional group will not talk about it, then accept that they won’t and stop trying to ‘get through to them’. If you don’t, you may still be trying to ‘get though to them four decades from now and nothing will have changed. Instead, learn how to detach emotionally from the group dysfunction.
4. If you suggest psychological help for the abuser/violator and it is refused, ACCEPT the refusal, and instead of trying to tell them they are doing something wrong, tell them only what YOU will not be accepting from them. Again, use “I” statements. Be prepared to accept attempts to make you change your mind after that. Manipulative ploys and head games are all part of well entrenched dysfunctional relating. Many psychiatrists are excellent examples of that also.
5. If the group will not support you emotionally in your quest to self define, then look for emotional support OUTSIDE of that group. It may be a good idea to connect to others who are working to detach from dysfunctional relating and practice the first person singular way of self definition.
6. Express ‘negative’ emotions as legitimate feelings because they ARE legitimate feelings. It is HOW you express them that matters not the fact that you have them, or that you express them. All humans feel so called ‘negative’ emotions; even psychiatrists, whether they admit it or not. Emotions which are expressed don’t build up. Before rage exists it was already there as anger or frustration. If we get it out while it is still manageable, we won’t blow up. Learn to verbalize then such as, “I feel….’ Then express the feeling. Don’t intellectualize ABOUT emotions. That’s what psychiatrists tend to do.
7. Defend yourself verbally against attack but in calm, yet assertive, ways. Use no weapons other than word. Words can be very powerful but it depends upon how they are used. The choice is not to either blow up or be silent. It is the middle ground that helps us create and reinforce personal boundaries. Personal empowerment while respecting the rights of others to do the same comes from the comfortable space between self restraint and self determination. It can feel very roomy in there; but BOTH sides of that have to exist at the same time. One side of it without the other simply doesn’t work.
8. Object to abusive behaviour; name calling, teasing, bullying, mocking, ridiculing, hitting threatening etc. all qualify as abuse but don’t abuse back. Instead, talk about the abuse why it is abuse, how you won’t be told you are just having a perception or reaction problem and state specifically what the problem is and that you want it to stop. Resist the urge to play ‘you blankety blinkety **#! , no matter how tempted you may be. You don’t have to be ‘perfect’ yourself to have the right to object to being treated badly by others who try to use your lack of ‘perfection’ (whatever that is) as an excuse to treat you badly.
9. Be aware of what is being done to you psychologically. ‘Sensitivity’ can be a good thing even if everyone around you treats your awareness like it is a ‘symptom’ in need of eradication. It is more often true that it is the insensitive types who tend to behave badly. Start learning to think of the opposite phrase though it is rarely heard and currently sounds strange to most, “You are just too insensitive.” Do you see how odd and unusual that sounds? We need to be asking ourselves why that should be the case.
10. Know that your feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s feelings. Not more or less nut just the same. Don’t allow yourself to be talked out of that.
11. Be aware of family or group dysfunction. Identify it for yourself. Examine it closely like you would have examined a bug as a small child. Learn about what you are experiencing. Your growing awareness will help you to stop playing a role in it. Everyone must make judgments based on SOME standard of thinking or behaviour. Remember that the next time you hear a dysfunctional person refuse to examine anything by stating, “I don’t like to judge.” That line is an escape from reality. The fact that they do not want to talk about it is based on a judgment of something. What is it? Dysfunctional relating does not deserve your loyalty. It’s like keeping a live grenade from World War One because your great grandfather brought it home with him as a family heirloom and no one would get rid of it for fear of hurting his feelings.
12. Stop the abuser with the words of revelation but be careful when and how you do this. Only you, as an individual, really know if you are in any physical danger so please take that into consideration before you try this. If you are going to err, please err on the side of caution in order to take care of yourself and your own safety as your first priority. It can enrage abusers if they can’t use you to release their anger for they then will have to be responsible for their own feelings and that is what they do NOT want to do. The best move for some people may be to remove oneself physically from the situation.
Those who just don’t want to understand, whether your protagonist or the supporters and enablers, WON’T, no matter what sound arguments you may have, so stop trying. If you don’t, you will find yourself in an endless exercise of futility.
13. If you don’t identify the error in dysfunctional groups, families or otherwise, then you are more likely to repeat them yourself. There is something in us humans that knows we need to find a balance of power. Unfortunately, in dysfunctional groupthink, that ‘balance’ is often of a perverted variety. What is done to us we tend to pass on to others. Either that or we accept what is done to us as beyond our control, comprehension, or resolution. BOTH of those ideas tend to keep dysfunction going….and going….generation after generation.
14. Expect the abuser to take responsibility for his or her own behaviour. (Do you think I am contradicting myself? I’m not ) What I mean by that is this: Expect them to do so whether they actually ever do it do or not. Don’t enable them to continue to behave the same way by providing them with a list of excuses. They already do that for themselves. In other words, hand the responsibility for the abuse, not the abuse itself, back to the abuser or boundary violator where it belonged in the first place. That will create a psychological separation between you and the abuser and that is the first step towards the kind of healthy detachment needed to begin to self actualize. It will break the co-dependency cycle. The abuser may NEVER change, but YOU can change the way you relate to him or her and stop playing the game.
15. Question ALL the rules to see if they stand up to close scrutiny. You may well find that you have accepted many rules without knowing why you obey them. Find out what you don’t know about yourself and others.
16. Resolve things as they happen and express feelings at the time of the occurrence. I know for the psychiatrized this can be a tricky business but even if you must proceed with caution depending upon who you are feeling angry with, find someone you can trust where it is safe to vent and get the feelings out of you as soon as possible after the event or exchange which bring up theses emotions. Don’t co-operate with the abuser’s agenda by suppressing them. Suppression only makes them stronger, which in turn, makes you feel more distress, rather than less. So find someone who is not trapped in the dysfunctional rules and who knows how to engage in active listening. As I once said to my own ‘voices’, we who are going through this are our own best support group. No one gets it better than those who have been there. Dr. Dan Fisher once told me he agreed with me on this point for those of you who are familiar with his NEC organization. Let’s help each other in ways that no one else, outside the experience, knows how to do. Venting effectively safely blows off pressure without the tragic endings. Let’s go for that result as defined by us and not by others.
17. When someone treats you badly and violates your boundaries in any way, TAKE IT PERSONALLY, even while they are telling you that you should not be doing that. You ARE a person and knowing that and stating that fact is HOW you will develop the boundaries you need to take care of yourself. If you practice ‘taking it personally, ’ you will soon learn how to calmly repel this kind of behaviour in others while validating yourself as an equal human being.
Break the dysfunctional rules and replace them with functional ones. This may take a little thought on your part. Nature abhors a vacuum so you may feel a little lost and unsteady while you go through this transition to good effective boundaries. It is hard work at first but believe you can do it and your fearfulness will begin to disappear as you notice yourself getting calmer and stronger with the passing of time. Know as you are breaking the dysfunctional rules for the first time that the dysfunctional group will survive it, no matter how much whining and complaining THEY do about it.
18. Become fully aware that there is a whole system of crazy rules being followed, without question, which are based sometimes for generations, on ‘tradition.’ This kind of group programming is not easily undone so don’t expect too many miracles as you go through this. You will often be able to identify these kinds of rules by the extreme emotional reactions you get when you break them. If you are not sure abut them, when you get such a reaction from someone in the group, ask them WHY the rules exists. If the person has no idea, won’t, or perhaps can’t, tell you, that is a good indicator that it is one of the rules being followed as a ‘tradition.’
19. Do not enable dysfunction by giving those caught up in it too MUCH ‘understanding’ from you to them. Many of us who end up getting psychiatrized have spent a lot of time ‘understanding’ people who don’t accept responsibility for their own stinking thinking and behaviour. An inordinate number of us have coped by seeing ourselves as ‘rescuers’. Our role often trapped us in permanent dysfunction and though it ‘seems’ like a good attitude to have, when it is used with those who really don’t care about us at all, it only serves reinforces dysfunction and abuse. It also keeps us trapped in situations we really need to escape. There is such a thing as being TOO ‘nice.” Sometimes we become the unwanted and unheard and disrespected rescuers, the Super heroes. We chase after the evil ones, trying to save them, while they are themselves bent on using our commitment to rescue the world to give them an opportunity to slip us a nice big chunk of red Kryptonite for our troubles. (This is a metaphor psychiatry. Hold the chemicals!) They must rescue themselves, if, or when they decide they want to do so. All we can EVER do is support those who decide for themselves that they want to change. If they don’t, all the sound arguments in the world are not going to change that. There is a definition of insanity that we who end up being psychiatrized ourselves would be wise to learn. It is, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, over and over, expecting different results.”
20. That applies to our protagonists as well as us. They rarely see themselves that way of course, but WE need to see it, even if for no other reason than to detach from it emotionally. Too much understanding of others and not enough understanding of, and for, us, only enables dysfunction and those who defend and protect it, to keep right on thinking and behaving the same way. That’s what keeps it going to infinite loss, infinite distress and infinite mutual destruction.
We MUST break this cycle. The lives of all the people in the world depend upon doing so.
The way to bring people out of the Shadow is not by going into the dark hunting for them and then dragging them out, kicking and screaming, fighting and frightened, hissing, threatening and hurting. It is by staying above all of that fear and rage and shining a strong light directly into the shadow world so strong and steady that all the Shadows just disappear, as if by magick. Direct sunlight, I have heard, has an antiseptic effect on germs and infections. I think maybe it has the same kind of effect on psycho-spiritual ‘dis-eases’ too. So let us all get together and shine the light of our experience into the Shadows of denial.
1. Talk openly about boundary violating behaviour. Abuse of any kind is not to be denied or ‘overlooked.’
2. React emotionally without acting out physically but if it is too strong go and blow off the excess energy somewhere to release it safely. Physical release works wonders. Reality based anger helps all people to develop boundaries. I think of it as a signaling device which is very accurate. Speak in the first person rather than, “You blinkety blankety **#!” The other may well BE a blinkety blankety **#! But yelling it will only cause you problems. Still, anger in the right amount indicates the violator that you are aware you boundaries are being violated and that THEY are out of line.
3. Find someone safe to discuss this with OUTSIDE the dysfunctional family or group; preferably someone who will not repeat it to others. Since you are not talking about the one to whom you are relaying the information, he or she is lees likely to feel the need to stop the conversation. It does have to be someone accepting of your reality though for this to work well.
If the family or other dysfunctional group will not talk about it, then accept that they won’t and stop trying to ‘get through to them’. If you don’t, you may still be trying to ‘get though to them four decades from now and nothing will have changed. Instead, learn how to detach emotionally from the group dysfunction.
4. If you suggest psychological help for the abuser/violator and it is refused, ACCEPT the refusal, and instead of trying to tell them they are doing something wrong, tell them only what YOU will not be accepting from them. Again, use “I” statements. Be prepared to accept attempts to make you change your mind after that. Manipulative ploys and head games are all part of well entrenched dysfunctional relating. Many psychiatrists are excellent examples of that also.
5. If the group will not support you emotionally in your quest to self define, then look for emotional support OUTSIDE of that group. It may be a good idea to connect to others who are working to detach from dysfunctional relating and practice the first person singular way of self definition.
6. Express ‘negative’ emotions as legitimate feelings because they ARE legitimate feelings. It is HOW you express them that matters not the fact that you have them, or that you express them. All humans feel so called ‘negative’ emotions; even psychiatrists, whether they admit it or not. Emotions which are expressed don’t build up. Before rage exists it was already there as anger or frustration. If we get it out while it is still manageable, we won’t blow up. Learn to verbalize then such as, “I feel….’ Then express the feeling. Don’t intellectualize ABOUT emotions. That’s what psychiatrists tend to do.
7. Defend yourself verbally against attack but in calm, yet assertive, ways. Use no weapons other than word. Words can be very powerful but it depends upon how they are used. The choice is not to either blow up or be silent. It is the middle ground that helps us create and reinforce personal boundaries. Personal empowerment while respecting the rights of others to do the same comes from the comfortable space between self restraint and self determination. It can feel very roomy in there; but BOTH sides of that have to exist at the same time. One side of it without the other simply doesn’t work.
8. Object to abusive behaviour; name calling, teasing, bullying, mocking, ridiculing, hitting threatening etc. all qualify as abuse but don’t abuse back. Instead, talk about the abuse why it is abuse, how you won’t be told you are just having a perception or reaction problem and state specifically what the problem is and that you want it to stop. Resist the urge to play ‘you blankety blinkety **#! , no matter how tempted you may be. You don’t have to be ‘perfect’ yourself to have the right to object to being treated badly by others who try to use your lack of ‘perfection’ (whatever that is) as an excuse to treat you badly.
9. Be aware of what is being done to you psychologically. ‘Sensitivity’ can be a good thing even if everyone around you treats your awareness like it is a ‘symptom’ in need of eradication. It is more often true that it is the insensitive types who tend to behave badly. Start learning to think of the opposite phrase though it is rarely heard and currently sounds strange to most, “You are just too insensitive.” Do you see how odd and unusual that sounds? We need to be asking ourselves why that should be the case.
10. Know that your feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s feelings. Not more or less nut just the same. Don’t allow yourself to be talked out of that.
11. Be aware of family or group dysfunction. Identify it for yourself. Examine it closely like you would have examined a bug as a small child. Learn about what you are experiencing. Your growing awareness will help you to stop playing a role in it. Everyone must make judgments based on SOME standard of thinking or behaviour. Remember that the next time you hear a dysfunctional person refuse to examine anything by stating, “I don’t like to judge.” That line is an escape from reality. The fact that they do not want to talk about it is based on a judgment of something. What is it? Dysfunctional relating does not deserve your loyalty. It’s like keeping a live grenade from World War One because your great grandfather brought it home with him as a family heirloom and no one would get rid of it for fear of hurting his feelings.
12. Stop the abuser with the words of revelation but be careful when and how you do this. Only you, as an individual, really know if you are in any physical danger so please take that into consideration before you try this. If you are going to err, please err on the side of caution in order to take care of yourself and your own safety as your first priority. It can enrage abusers if they can’t use you to release their anger for they then will have to be responsible for their own feelings and that is what they do NOT want to do. The best move for some people may be to remove oneself physically from the situation.
Those who just don’t want to understand, whether your protagonist or the supporters and enablers, WON’T, no matter what sound arguments you may have, so stop trying. If you don’t, you will find yourself in an endless exercise of futility.
13. If you don’t identify the error in dysfunctional groups, families or otherwise, then you are more likely to repeat them yourself. There is something in us humans that knows we need to find a balance of power. Unfortunately, in dysfunctional groupthink, that ‘balance’ is often of a perverted variety. What is done to us we tend to pass on to others. Either that or we accept what is done to us as beyond our control, comprehension, or resolution. BOTH of those ideas tend to keep dysfunction going….and going….generation after generation.
14. Expect the abuser to take responsibility for his or her own behaviour. (Do you think I am contradicting myself? I’m not ) What I mean by that is this: Expect them to do so whether they actually ever do it do or not. Don’t enable them to continue to behave the same way by providing them with a list of excuses. They already do that for themselves. In other words, hand the responsibility for the abuse, not the abuse itself, back to the abuser or boundary violator where it belonged in the first place. That will create a psychological separation between you and the abuser and that is the first step towards the kind of healthy detachment needed to begin to self actualize. It will break the co-dependency cycle. The abuser may NEVER change, but YOU can change the way you relate to him or her and stop playing the game.
15. Question ALL the rules to see if they stand up to close scrutiny. You may well find that you have accepted many rules without knowing why you obey them. Find out what you don’t know about yourself and others.
16. Resolve things as they happen and express feelings at the time of the occurrence. I know for the psychiatrized this can be a tricky business but even if you must proceed with caution depending upon who you are feeling angry with, find someone you can trust where it is safe to vent and get the feelings out of you as soon as possible after the event or exchange which bring up theses emotions. Don’t co-operate with the abuser’s agenda by suppressing them. Suppression only makes them stronger, which in turn, makes you feel more distress, rather than less. So find someone who is not trapped in the dysfunctional rules and who knows how to engage in active listening. As I once said to my own ‘voices’, we who are going through this are our own best support group. No one gets it better than those who have been there. Dr. Dan Fisher once told me he agreed with me on this point for those of you who are familiar with his NEC organization. Let’s help each other in ways that no one else, outside the experience, knows how to do. Venting effectively safely blows off pressure without the tragic endings. Let’s go for that result as defined by us and not by others.
17. When someone treats you badly and violates your boundaries in any way, TAKE IT PERSONALLY, even while they are telling you that you should not be doing that. You ARE a person and knowing that and stating that fact is HOW you will develop the boundaries you need to take care of yourself. If you practice ‘taking it personally, ’ you will soon learn how to calmly repel this kind of behaviour in others while validating yourself as an equal human being.
Break the dysfunctional rules and replace them with functional ones. This may take a little thought on your part. Nature abhors a vacuum so you may feel a little lost and unsteady while you go through this transition to good effective boundaries. It is hard work at first but believe you can do it and your fearfulness will begin to disappear as you notice yourself getting calmer and stronger with the passing of time. Know as you are breaking the dysfunctional rules for the first time that the dysfunctional group will survive it, no matter how much whining and complaining THEY do about it.
18. Become fully aware that there is a whole system of crazy rules being followed, without question, which are based sometimes for generations, on ‘tradition.’ This kind of group programming is not easily undone so don’t expect too many miracles as you go through this. You will often be able to identify these kinds of rules by the extreme emotional reactions you get when you break them. If you are not sure abut them, when you get such a reaction from someone in the group, ask them WHY the rules exists. If the person has no idea, won’t, or perhaps can’t, tell you, that is a good indicator that it is one of the rules being followed as a ‘tradition.’
19. Do not enable dysfunction by giving those caught up in it too MUCH ‘understanding’ from you to them. Many of us who end up getting psychiatrized have spent a lot of time ‘understanding’ people who don’t accept responsibility for their own stinking thinking and behaviour. An inordinate number of us have coped by seeing ourselves as ‘rescuers’. Our role often trapped us in permanent dysfunction and though it ‘seems’ like a good attitude to have, when it is used with those who really don’t care about us at all, it only serves reinforces dysfunction and abuse. It also keeps us trapped in situations we really need to escape. There is such a thing as being TOO ‘nice.” Sometimes we become the unwanted and unheard and disrespected rescuers, the Super heroes. We chase after the evil ones, trying to save them, while they are themselves bent on using our commitment to rescue the world to give them an opportunity to slip us a nice big chunk of red Kryptonite for our troubles. (This is a metaphor psychiatry. Hold the chemicals!) They must rescue themselves, if, or when they decide they want to do so. All we can EVER do is support those who decide for themselves that they want to change. If they don’t, all the sound arguments in the world are not going to change that. There is a definition of insanity that we who end up being psychiatrized ourselves would be wise to learn. It is, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, over and over, expecting different results.”
20. That applies to our protagonists as well as us. They rarely see themselves that way of course, but WE need to see it, even if for no other reason than to detach from it emotionally. Too much understanding of others and not enough understanding of, and for, us, only enables dysfunction and those who defend and protect it, to keep right on thinking and behaving the same way. That’s what keeps it going to infinite loss, infinite distress and infinite mutual destruction.
We MUST break this cycle. The lives of all the people in the world depend upon doing so.
The way to bring people out of the Shadow is not by going into the dark hunting for them and then dragging them out, kicking and screaming, fighting and frightened, hissing, threatening and hurting. It is by staying above all of that fear and rage and shining a strong light directly into the shadow world so strong and steady that all the Shadows just disappear, as if by magick. Direct sunlight, I have heard, has an antiseptic effect on germs and infections. I think maybe it has the same kind of effect on psycho-spiritual ‘dis-eases’ too. So let us all get together and shine the light of our experience into the Shadows of denial.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Living Backwards
By Patricia Lefave, Labeled, D.D.(P)
While I was still in psychosis, this thought came to me as I observed the faces of the nurses who were observing me. "Evil is live backwards." (Both literally and metaphysically)
That was part of my reintegration process; my concrete experience beginning to fit together with the symbolic meaning of my psychotic state. That was very important to me because I knew it meant healing and integration. I also understood something else; that we have all been taught over and over again that the fault lays in the ones who complain of abuse and our supposed lack of forgiveness and not in the ones doing the abuse.
The abusive love the turn around. It empowers them at the same time it disempowers us and keeps the whole sick relationship flourishing. I once heard someone ‘correct’ black people who were obvious victims of contempt and abuse to ‘forgive’ the ignorance in their abusers. Ignorance? Did the advice giver mean that those people who did it don’t KNOW that taunting and threatening lives is wrong? The implication is that the abuse is just an unconscious mistake, or "accident."
Dysfunctional relating is a symbiotic union between abuser and abused. Sometimes it’s co-dependency. It’s a power struggle; it’s enmeshment. Functional relating is also a symbiotic union, but between equals who are neither the abusers, nor the abused. It’s mutuality; personal empowerment, intimacy.
When the burden of responsibility is placed upon the victim, it does two things simultaneously.
It invalidates the victim's experience, perception, and reactions AND it validates the abuser's thinking, behavior, and lack of contrition. This keeps the cycle going. Insanity is a circle. But so is sanity. If psychiatry starts going in the other direction, this is what will happen.
The burden of responsibility will be lifted off the victim, who is breaking under the weight of it, and will be handed back to the abuser, where it belonged in the first place. Notice I said the responsibility for the abuse and not the abuse itself. We are trying to break the cycle after all.
This then will do two things simultaneously also.
It will validate the victim's experience, perception, and appropriate emotional reactions AND it will invalidate the abuser's thinking, behavior and lack of contrition. The exact opposite of how it is in psychiatry right now. It will empower the victims as individuals, without vengeance, dis-empower the abusers, and break the cycle. The cycle needs to be broken not suppressed with chemicals on either side of that.
In the symbolic meaning of my psychosis, which was incredibly accurate; we must "convert" evil so that we all can live....Evil is the mirror image. It looks like "reality", but it is really just a "reflection" of our own error. It's time to step back through the "looking glass" and out of the nightmare of our own creation.
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