Showing posts with label One of the Mavericks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label One of the Mavericks. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

If You Had Controlling Parents Part 1

By Dan Neuharth, PhD.

This is a personal review of this book and its conceptual ideas as they relate to my own experiences with others including; relatives, cult trained protagonists and psychiatry. I see this as three versions of the same problem. Patricia Lefave, Labelled, D.D. (P)

Here are a few excerpts which will sound very familiar to many of the psychiatrized.
I have already identified several of the categories he is using here as relevant to my own case. With the exception of a couple of Dan’s beliefs, I think that most of the psychiatrized under labels like: schizophrenic, schizoid, paranoid delusional disorder, borderline personality disorder, bi-polar etc. would find this book and the website by the same name (listed on Quantum Spirits and also in the title link here) very helpful in the pursuit of self definition. Dan, unfortunately, and like many others, excludes the labeled in this experience, when in fact, in my own experience and that of many others like me, it is the experience we have which is taken to the farthest polarized extremes in our relationships.
So if you are one of those he suggests would not be included in this, just skip that judgement and keep reading it for yourself.
The title of the book could also easily be used with replacement identities such as: If You Had Controlling Friends, or a Controlling Cult Leader, or spouse or psychiatrists. My own experience is about the SAME psycho dynamics with a few individuals and the groups of people that get involved in it as a result. I once told psychiatrists that it was all the same to me whether it was the relationship with my protagonist and his friends or dysfunctional family relating or being controlled by psychiatry itself. There is a discernable pattern there and it is the same one repeated with slightly different jargon.

This perspective by Dan Neuharth on our commonly experienced reality includes the following:


Page 10: “As you read on, you might notice your inner dialogue. Thoughts like; ‘Don’t blame others’ or ‘It’s all in the past’ may actually be the internalized voices of your parents.”
(Or your psychiatrist, or that mental illness worker who spits that out as a knee jerk reaction the minute you attempt to implicate anyone ELSE as relative to your distress. The mental illness profession, over all, is well known for its well programmed knee jerk response system as a reaction to your complaints about abuse by any ‘authority figures.’ PL)

“These thoughts may feel like warnings to stop exploring.”
“Your sense of self can change.”
“In working with women and men who grew up controlled, I have found that most have trouble blaming anybody BUT themselves because they tend to accept their parents point of view at the expense of their own. Children of controlling families aren’t trained to act in their own interests. They’re trained to serve and take care of their parents.”
“When children’s needs conflict with parental needs, the children are seen as nuisances, problems or threats.”

In the chapter “How Overcontrol Works
Dan states:
“When you solve a mystery you destroy its power over you… Discovering how a magician does a trick can clear up your bewilderment…former members of destructive cults get their lives back by understanding exactly how they were recruited and indoctrinated.”

(Dysfunctional families and other controllers like psychiatrists often use exactly the SAME techniques, often including the same platitudes and jargon designed as debate stoppers. Mo own reintegration took place when I solved the mystery of my own experience by finding the information that allowed me to do that for myself. Some are not as fortunate as I and many don’t even know where to START looking, because too much has been hidden from them by those who are working so hard to avoid ‘blame.’ Dysfunctional people hide things from those outsiders and from other family members as well. This is many children’s reality, not their ‘attention seeking’ delusions.” PL)

Dan N. States:
“Exploring controlling family brainwashing is based on two paradoxes of healing:

"To let go of a painful past you may temporarily need to get closer to it.
To take greater control of your own life, you may need to revisit the days during which you had the least control. “

“Lacking any outside reality check many controlled children have no way to know that they are not alone in their suffering. “

One of his clients stated: “I could have been a cardboard cut out of myself and my dad would have treated me the same. He would just not listen. After awhile it makes you doubt yourself.”

Two Faced Behavior
“Controlling parents often tell their children to act one way, then act in opposite ways themselves. “
(Many of us have this same experience with psychiatrists too. PL)

“The “Using’ father presented a ‘saint persona’ to outsiders but was uncaring at home.”

Dysfunctional Communication
“…Dysfunctional communication focuses primarily on who is right and who is wrong, who wins and who loses, who gets hurt and who avoids pain.”

“…In most controlling families there is an intricate system of confusing communication.”
(There is the kind of ‘communication’ in psychiatry too. Often the individual being psychiatrized is going from the amateur version of constant confusion to the professional one. Psychiatry frequently reinforces the problem rather than relieving it. PL)

“One woman arrived for our interview with a flow chart…”
(I can sure relate there! I defined the patterns in this the same way to a psychiatrist! PL)

Client states:
“…or they’d make guilt provoking statements, throw a temper tantrum or label me a paranoid schizophrenic.”
(Sound familiar? PL)

“.. A lot of the time I think I am crazy when my mom disputes my version of things.”
“When faced wit conflicting messages, children can conclude that either:

a.My parents are wrong, lying or out of control.
Or
b.I must be wrong or missing something.

(I concluded that I was missing something with both my parents and, later in life, with my nurse protagonist. I tried to find the meaning that was hidden from me. There WAS meaning deliberately hidden from me but my assessors decided that there was not and that the fact that I believed there was, was a sign of MY ‘mental illness’ and NOT a sign of my aggressor’s. Sometime sit is this simple switch between identities that is the cause of the individual’s breakdown. I suspect this is true more often than anyone would like to believe. In fact my parents and this nurse were wrong and they lied whenever it suited them to maintain power and control. Of course, most people also have the same type of knee jerk response to statements like: “My father is a liar.” For we are not to blame our parents for anything are we? Many well meaning, good intentioned people will ‘correct’ us for that non stop correction we have ALREADY received from those who have trained us to believe that we must not see, feel or know the things we do about them. All too frequently the well meaning good intentioned correctors are acting as enablers without realizing it. How horrible we are, according to them, for knowing the truth and for actually saying it, right out loud. PL)

Dan states:
“By doubting their own perceptions and giving the benefit of their doubt to their parents, children try to reduce their terror…Unfortunately, by adopting misperceptions to reduce their hopeless and helpless feelings. Children only increase their guilt and self doubt… Controlling parents are generally disinterested in exploring their adult children’s grievances with them. Many controlling parents spill emotional angst in their children’s laps and then just walk away.”

“In essence, controlling parents brainwash with a one-two-three-four punch:

1.Creating an environment hostile to growth.
2.Blaming the children for creating the environment.
3.Criticizing their children when the children suffer the consequences of the environment the parents created.
4.Denying doing any of this.

(This is often done in psychiatry as a repeat performance of the very situation and the psychodynamics of it, which caused the ‘patient’ to be seeking help, or else forced into it, in the first place. Try substituting the word “patients” for ‘children’ and the word ‘psychiatrist’ for the word ‘parents’ to get a feel for how well the concepts of this fit into both situations.PL)

A Patient History:
“It is understandable that Belinda has trouble with authority figures and office politics when the authorities and politics in her family were so erratic.”

(it is also likely that Belinda is much more tuned into that than others since she has had to be in her own life experience. PL)

“…Belinda was constantly on the lookout for clues and cues…Rather than thinking that the rules didn’t make sense- which would have p8ut her in violation of controlling parents’ number one rule of no dissent- Belinda concluded that she was flawed.”

(Some if us KNEW the rules didn’t make any sense and some of us stated that openly, which BROKE the number one rule. We even claim sometimes that the parents’ thinking is flawed. As a result, ‘blaming our families’ is recognized by others as one of the ‘flaws’ in us, which ‘proves’ we are ‘mentally ill.’ There is also a ‘no dissenting opinion’ rule in psychiatry. Those who break it are forced out (or sometimes forced BACK IN) whether patient or mental illness professional.
Patients are declared to be ‘non-complaint’ and ‘treatment resistant’ which is, ironically, TRUE. Whether it is also a ‘flaw’ is debatable, but of course there is will BE no debate.
The mental illness professional who does not ‘comply’ with the establishment’s goals or with the no dissenting opinion rule just gets ostracized, or, if in training, may become an ‘unsuitable candidate.’ At times, he or she may even find him/herself on the receiving end of his/her OWN psychiatric label.
Interestingly, those doctors who comply with being defined in psychiatric terms themselves, and who support the establishment view, often get promoted in the system and are frequently the ones who write and run the programs for their employers. The inmates do indeed, frequently run the asylums. PL)



FAIR USE NOTICE: This may contain copyrighted (© ) material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. Such material is made available for educational purposes, to advance understanding of human rights, democracy, scientific, moral, ethical, and social justice issues, etc. It is believed that this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law. This material is distributed without profit.


If You Had Controlling Parents Part 2

By Dan Neuharth, PhD.

This is a personal review of this book and its conceptual ideas as they relate to my own experiences with others including; relatives, cult trained protagonists and psychiatry. I see this as three versions of the same problem. Patricia Lefave, Labelled, D.D. (P)


Sorting It Out

“Anger is often misunderstood in society and particularly in controlling families…Anger is a valuable message from yourself that your boundaries have been violated or are in danger of being violated….

“..Brainwashing, whether by a cult or a controlling family, is designed to hide responsibility and distort accountability- to keep anyone form daring to announce, “The emperor has no clothes.”

(Those of us who dare to say so are often the ones who receive the psychiatric labels for doing so since we ‘think’ we se and hear something that no one else I the family group can see or here. ‘Reality’ in such groups, tends to gt defined by group consensus. PL)

“As a child (Patient) you may have tried to distance yourself from the pain of being controlled by complying, rebelling, distracting, dissociating, or trying to outdo your parents.”
(Many of us also tried to get them to think, reason with them about it, or get through to them on an emotional level PL)

“You may never achieve a true dialogue with your parents. As controllers, they probably have little interest in your views, especially if they are negative. It’s maddening when controlling parents deny responsibility for their actions.”

(To hear the concepts in this clearly, try replacing the word ‘parents’ with psychiatrists and see if it fits your own situation.PL)
“Speaking out, regardless of the outcome, balances the distortions of so many years. They may ignore your message, but at the very least, you’ve offered them an opportunity to take responsibility for their actions and make amends.”

(However, if it is psychiatrists or family members being supported BY the thin king of psychiatrists, don’t expect too much. They rarely seem to practice what they preach.PL)

Client states:
“Sometimes it’s better to oppose and be angry, especially when a view of yourself is being imposed on you.”
(The psychiatrized get our personal identities imposed on us MORE than anyone else. This is why we are ‘resistant’ to the attempts to invalidate our perceptions of our own experiences.PL)

“I believe forgiveness is optional.”

(Me too. The choice so often offered to us is to ‘forgive’ (the deniers and liars) OR live with bitterness as the only alternative. That is not really the choice. The choice is really to stay enmeshed with or detach from, the others imposed view of us. Of course, when we are dealing with psychiatry that is not so easy since this profession has been given the concrete power to impose it’s belief system on us whether we like it or not. That is not true of family members though. Anyone who cannot see that very vital difference is not paying attention to the reality of the situation.PL)

“Many myths surround our conceptions of forgiveness… For some, forgiveness is unwise or impossible.”



Quoting Susan Forward, Dan states:
“Forgiveness often does not enhance healing and can even be a form of denial…suggests forgiving only if the person who wronged you does something to earn forgiveness such as acknowledging what happened and seeking to make amends.”
(In other words psychiatrists involved in my own case, let’s see you put your money where your mouth is. Seek to make amends to me and lead us by your example. I’m waiting. Let’s see some behaviour ownership on your parts instead of the abuse of power used to attempt to silence me about it.PL)

Client states regarding her father:
“I can’t give him the tiniest piece of information about myself without a critique coming back.”

(For some of us it is a tiny bit of information abut anything at all. Usually the critique is an ‘interpretation’ of what we have said and not taken at face value. For the psychiatrized this is a preliminary experience which will be repeated by the experience with psychiatry, often reinforcing and exacerbating our original problem, which remains unseen and not understood by the profession. PL)

“If a sibling loyal to your parents gets mad at you fro ‘making trouble’ or tries to convince you to deny your reality, it can exacerbate your wounding…They may not want to give up illusions about the family. They may be afraid of one or both parents…It’s also important to honour your sensitivity, especially if it was squashed or ridiculed by a controlling family. Controllers tend to be uncomfortable with others sensitivity and send messages that sensitivity is a flaw or a sin.”

(Sound familiar to many of your psychiatrized people? How many times have most of us been ‘corrected’ on this point: “You’re just too sensitive!” PL)

“Ironically, controlling parents tend to see their own behaviour as just the reverse.”

(There are a couple of sections I this book which promote the idea that brain chemistry should be changed with drugs. Neuharth also suggests a psychiatrist may be necessary. I suspect of course that Neuharth has never actually experienced being on the receiving end of psychiatry’s help. Many who promote this as a good idea have not. I tend to disagree with this suggestion though I also believe that the rest of this book explains well what happens to a lot of people who end up getting labelled ‘schizophrenic’ for their awareness about the REALITY of their own lives and the people in them. For them, this book is very valuable in explaining much of this chaotic, confusing, bewildering experience with others who then deny the whole thing.


At a later spot in this book Dan uses the DSM-IV to list a group of ‘disorders’ which he claims develop as a result of control over people who then become controllers themselves as ids manifested in these labels/ He included ‘Schizophrenia’ in this. I disagree in part. The people labeled as ‘schizophrenic’ sometimes excluding those who actually triggered themselves into psychosis with drug and alcohol abuse and were labeled for that, are usually those who have been most controlled and pressured by others and then were not believed about it. They are the ones labeled ‘complainers and whiners” etc. and who try to ‘blame’ all those ‘blameless others.’ In my own experience of this, it is more often the kind of people who never GET a psychiatric label and who often will not go near a counselor of any kind since they do not consider themselves to have any problem who are the controllers of the world. In fact, these ones are very often admired for their over controlling attitudes and power over others. Other controller wannabes often try to emulate them. Those who have sent the most energy over periods of time trying to force control and correction of my perceptions onto me and trying to drug my reactions to them are, in fact, the psychiatrists who don’t see this at all.
PL)

“Spirituality is about faith and trust. Control is about fear and mistrust…Making meaning includes synthesizing both the helpful and the hurtful from your upbringing…It’s helpful to see yourself as both victim and survivor, as innocent wounded child and courageous resourceful warrior, because you were all of them.”

Making Meaning
(As Suggested for others PL)

“If your friends or partners grew up controlled, minimizing or discounting their feelings may re-open childhood wounds. Since people who grew up controlled rarely felt seen or heard, simply listening to them can bring tremendous healing.”

(How many people who have been psychiatrized have told you they feel ‘invisible’ only to have that ‘interpreted’ as a ‘sign’ of a ‘mental illness’ or chemical imbalance in our brains? “We” can hear what you are doing with your reductionism. Why can’t you who are IN psychiatry, hear yourselves? PL)

“Bill of Rights for Those Who Grew Up Controlled (And Everyone Else)

We hold these truths to be self-evident. All people have the right to:

1.Ask questions.
2.Dissent
3.Confront, prevent, or remove themselves from others’ abuse and unhealthy control
4.Feel all their feelings and express them appropriately
5.Develop their own values, thoughts and goals
6.Learn, grow and connect with others
7.Make mistakes, experiment and be uncertain
8.Choose whom they associate with.
9.Pursue happiness, success and health
10.Love and be loved, trust and earn others’ trust
11.Self respect and to earn others’ respect.
12.Pursue their spirituality
13.Be here

“Ultimately, most people seemed relieved by being able to talk. One fifty three year old woman said,…”I know I’ve talked non stop but I as never ever allowed to say anything growing up.”

(This is what most of us really need. It is also what we rarely get. Either give us what we need or leave us the hell alone. The LAST thing we need is to have our perceptions and feelings about our own life experiences invalidated. When psychiatrists start dictating to us what we are going to be ‘allowed’ to think, feel, say or do, all WE hear most often is a repeat performance of the same old crap which we are trying to escape. Decide if you really want to help or if you just want to indulge your own mystifying fantasies about events or relationships YOU can’t handle by calling emotional/psychological oppression ‘help.’
Making us swallow mood altering drugs we don’t want may help YOU feel better about what you are doing, from your position of power and control, especially if it dulls the appearance of distress on our faces for you, but it just makes most of us feel sick, hopeless and helpless. It causes us to feel we are now permanently trapped inside an infinite loop of other peoples’ denial, invalidation and contempt.
If you don’t believe us then just leave us alone but don’t con us or try to manipulate us ‘covertly.’ These traits of yours do nothing to create trust; quite the opposite. We can do better without you and with the support of others who can really hear us because they have shared a similar experience. PL)



FAIR USE NOTICE: This may contain copyrighted (© ) material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. Such material is made available for educational purposes, to advance understanding of human rights, democracy, scientific, moral, ethical, and social justice issues, etc. It is believed that this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law. This material is distributed without profit.