Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Dysfunctional Relay Race

First Posted Jan. 2006

By Patricia Lefave, Labelled, D.D.(P)

The abused, who is well trained to be a ''good'' person, to ''forgive'' his unrepentant abuser, while still being abused, now seeks to find some sort of irrational emotional release and new balance by locating a space to act out those suppressed, and often denied, emotional responses to the abuse.

He therefore abuses someone else in exactly the same way he was abused, and requires of her the same lack of response that was required of him. Of course, he does not call his abuse of his victim ''abuse'' any more than he was ''allowed'' to call it ''abuse'' when he was abused. Instead, he requires the one he abuses to live by the same convoluted ''high'' standard by which he lives.

The abused must ''forgive'' him for his abusive acting out, even though there is no abuse, as far as he is concerned, to ''forgive,'' just as he himself ''forgave'' the one who abused him. (even though it was not abuse then either) If his abused does NOT forgive him, the fault will be found to be a character deficit in HER. (since there is no abuse anyway)

Clearly then, it is better to forgive the abuser in the hope the abuse (which doesn't really exist) will stop, once it has been forgiven beforehand, even though there is ''really'' nothing to forgive. This is how the abused one is expected to fool herself into believing the power to make sure the abuse never starts is in HER and has nothing to do with the abuser's responsibility for the abuse. It is a sort of insane hope between two co-dependents who have flipped reality on it's head. It works too as long as the abuse victim falls for the con.

While waiting for the contrition from the abuser, which of course will never come, since there is nothing to be contrite about in the abuser's opinion, the emotional pressure builds, and builds, in the currently abused. If this cycle is not broken this time, the abused will start to notice someone else with the same character flaw, the inability to ''forgive others,'' and quite possibly begin to act out her own abuse on someone who really ''deserves'' it for refusing to admit to his own obvious flaws. ....

to be continued, until never finished.


Spiritual Emergency said...

Hello Patricia -- I just thought I'd pop in to let you know that I'd stumbled across your blog and gave you a link in mine.

Patricia, L. said...

Hello Spiritual Emergency.
I took a look at your blog and found it very much in tune with my own experience. Thanks for sharing yours with us as well. Recommend others might want to take a look there and feel the empathy.
Thanks for the comment.

confederaterebel said...

you're brillant....outspoken and brillant and eloquent.....i was marrid to and held captive by a raging psychopath for 15 years....we must SPEAK OUT...and we must be order to be heard...thank you for your blog..i have attempting to speak out in my own.....

Patricia said...

Thank you confederaterebel,
You may find something on my website that you could relate to as well.