Saturday, June 02, 2007

Disempowering the Aggressor

By Krystal Klarity

Understand the aggressor’s goal.
The true goal of the aggressor, who wants to dominate others, is his/her self justification. That is also his/her premise or starting point from the moment he/she starts to relate to you. If you keep looking for reason or logic in what he /she says to you, you will get sucked into his/her ‘game’ without understanding that it is happening or why it is happening.
(For the sake of ease of writing, or reading this, I will use either he OR she when referring to the aggressor from here on. He/she is kind of a pain to write ‘and/or’ read I think.)

So, for the aggressor, the beginning and the end of what passes for ‘reasoning’ rests on the same point. That makes his self delusion, his grandiosity, and an infinite loop. He is the “Alpha and Omega’ unto himself, and he keeps himself safely enclosed (hidden, in HIS mind) within that circle of anti logic he has created for himself for just that purpose.

(This is not to be confused with the ‘Alpha and the Omega’ of peace and harmony for that is the opposite infinite loop and this is but a pale imitation of the real thing. The real thing is based on equality of being; not just domination of others. Frequently though, the aggressor will try to convince others that he is of the same spirit; a god or god-like being. Nothing could be further from the truth but the domination types are often very good con artists.

Logic, or reason, won’t penetrate this infinite loop of irrationality in the aggressor. To make it clear that this is not a loop of logical thought, I prefer to call this one a loop of anti-logic. It often sounds very much the same but it isn’t, and what makes it different is the position in which the aggressor places HIMSELF.

She (the aggressor) sees herself as the ‘superior’ mind and everyone else as ‘beneath’ her. She then thinks, talks, reacts and behaves ‘as if’ that false premise was the truth. She WANTS it to BE the truth, so everything she says and does is focused on making her own delusion a ‘reality’ for others.

Ass you know, logic will not penetrate illogic. They exist in opposite spheres and run in opposite directions much like matter and anti-matter. The emotional responses of anyone else who interacts with an aggressor will not penetrate the aggressor’s idea of herself either. She sees the other’s responses as irrelevant or else just the other person’s problem or ‘defectiveness,’ having nothing at all to do with her.

The ONLY thing that will penetrate this mind set is exposure. The aggressor must be (psycho-spiritually speaking) stripped naked’ in public so that his ‘hidden’ agenda and petty self serving little goal will no longer be ‘hidden’ to HIM.

The best way to do that is by explaining him and his agenda to HIM preferably with an audience of witnesses to it so that he cannot keep it ‘secret’ or alter the conversation for others in any way.

This has to be done in excruciatingly pedantic detail or it won’t penetrate the primary delusion which is running him. In other words, hold up a psycho-spiritual mirror to him so he can see himself as clearly as you do. He does not KNOW his goal is visible. (I personally had a very hard time wrapping my mind around that truth) He believes it is all ‘hidden’ and he is proving his ‘superiority’ to himself by doing what he is doing.

So pull back ‘the curtain’ behind which he believes he is ‘hiding’ in the ‘stage’ of his life, and let him know that he is a very bad actor.

That’s the only way he is going to b motivated to give up his act. Stop trying to explain yourself to the aggressor and start explaining HIM to him. He will stop targeting you, and/or he will leave, even if the only reason is because he is afraid of the exposure of his methods that will cause him to lose his power.

Don’t try to appeal to his conscience since chances are he doesn’t have one, and trying to do so is just a waste of your time and energy. Instead, shift the focus OFF of you as his victim and onto HIM, as the aggressor and the one with the problem, then offer your assessment of him until he is moved to give up his domination goal. Don’t be afraid to call it just what it is. Don’t get sucked into his game and start explaining YOURSELF, or using reason with him as reason has nothing to do with it Don’t ask him for anything and don’t ask him WHY he is doing it to you as he won’t tell you ‘why.” You tell HIM why. Like this: ‘Now you will tell me that the problem is in me because keeping me thinking about what you are doing is part of your game.” You can also make “I” statements such as: “I am not impressed by this manipulation.” You may have to state specifically WHAT manipulations he is trying to use on you. Is it financial? Emotional? Psychological? Threats etc.? Name them. Focus on revealing your awareness of HIM. Telling him you are doing this even though you are pretty sure he won’t stop or even admit to it, you just wanted him to know you can see him for what he is and you are not impressed by what you see. Keep in mind that while he is doing this to you, he is most likely telling other people some different version of the same reality so the faster you expose this openly, the better. Once a lot of people start involving themselves I this, it is harder to get it contained and harder to get the truth out because of all the extra input. You will also need to let him know you are aware of the different versions of reality with which he is supplying others in order to try to keep control.

If he still doesn’t stop, then start ‘assessing and evaluating’ HIM and his goals and make sure there are some witnesses to it. Remember that these aggressor are looking for someone who will co-operate (or at least be confused by) his agenda by playing the assigned role of his victim, So, though no one ‘chooses’ to be a victim’ as seems to be a popular idea in today’s modern folklore, you Can chose to BE the kind of victim the aggressor will wish to hell he had never chosen for himself in the first place. Don’t let anyone tell you that you “chose to be a victim.’ Victims don’t ‘choose’ to be victims; aggressors choose to victimize people and that is where the focus should be placed; on the aggressor’s psychological problems where it belongs.
So you can’t help what is doe to you but you can change the way you deal with what is being done to you and you can change the KIND of victim you are going to be. You do that by not reacting in ways that he expects you to react. Instead you keep shifting the focus back onto him and his agenda, in a way that will make him very uncomfortable and anxious to get as far away from you as he can.

No violence or threats of violence need to come from you; only exposure of the agenda. You won’t even have to raise your voice. Just expose, expose, expose in as much DETAIL as you can. Get the focus off of you and your reactions to the aggressor and ONTO the aggressor and his agenda. Assess the crap out of the domination type’s weaknesses, motivations and ultimate goal and don’t hold any thought back. Be casual about it all. Let your boredom with it all shine through and stop worrying about how the aggressor is going to feel if you speak the truth about him/her out in the open in return for his focus on you. Be sure to include the roles of the group members he involved including WHY he involved them. In other words, reveal the whole loop of his anti-logic from start to finish.

It is also helpful to use the same type jargon (psychiatric or otherwise) on the aggressor as he (and often his supporters use to define you. But be aware also that that MAY get you a new psychiatric label, usually ‘Borderline” as above all else, the manipulators hate to see their own manipulations handed right back to them. Let him, and everyone else know that you see his goal of domination is based on his self delusion, and that this is his starting point in what passes for ‘reasoning.’ Also let him know that you see his blindness to himself AND you as ludicrously obvious and really very pathetic. It is a sort of inferiority complex ‘overkill’ type thing.

Tell him that we who are on the receiving end of this comedy of errors aren’t laughing because we are ‘insane” and therefore we “laugh for nor reason.” We laugh because HE is insane and has no idea that this is the case.

The aggressor’s ‘hidden’ agenda of domination is absurdly stupid, often to the point that his victim can’t accept that he or the group that supports such ridiculous nonsense could possibly BE that stupid, or that blind to what he is doing. It is beyond all reason. Nevertheless, As the victim of it, you MUST recognize that they ARE that blind to it, and that more often than not, it is the victim who actually understands it the best, even while being thought of as ‘inferior’ to almost everyone.

It is important to the healing process and future well being of the victim that this is understood. The enmeshed psychology of this relationship must be broken so that the victim can regain a detached perspective on it, even if the aggressor never budges an inch. Once done it is possible for these new personal boundaries to remain intact and stabilized with the new found understanding and better coping skills. It does not mean the aggressor is going to change but the victim is going to be able to deal with the aggressor, as is, in a whole new way.

reprinted by permission of Krystal Klarity

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