Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Attempted Depersonalization And ReConstruction Of MY Identity: Part 1

My Psychiatric Label and How I Got It.

By Patricia Lefave, Labelled, D.D.(P)

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
George Orwell.

Please note: Though my ''short'' story, this post is in 2 parts and is quite long. It prints out to approximately 20 pages. To really understand It, it must be read from start to finish. It is the whole of It that matters; not the parts.

In 1992 I went to work in the psychiatric hospital as part of my job with a health care agency.There I had the misfortune to meet a psychiatric nurse with a "special" secret and a "hidden" power. He had been trained in a system (beyond that of the practical nurse of his official status) by an organization which many people have perceived as a cult or "cult-like."

Whichever way you may view this training, if used in a certain way, it promises "power, satisfaction and the ability to create and define reality itself for all others." The abstract concepts of it can be heard as a revelation, an accusation or an instruction, depending upon your point of view, current understanding, motivation and concrete goal. Apparently HE heard the words as an instruction. All the nurse needed to do was to choose his target, his concrete goal, and then follow the plan to get what he wanted; control of his target of choice, and everyone's understanding of reality.

Though I became aware of most of what he was doing, I didn't really understand all of it until after the psychological assault on me caused my breakdown in 95. Even though I even knew the name of his assaultive routine, I couldn't get anyone to accept what I said as "real" and I couldn't stop them either. They would not even admit their involvement. By covering up their participation, they allowed it to go completely out of control. In fact, the more I protested, the worse it got.

Post breakdown, I did my best to prove my own case regarding this nurse, while all involved continued to refuse to accept the reality of it. In 1999, I found a book while waiting for the next assessment of crazy me with the next psychiatrist in the team. It was on the nurse's training and spelled out what went on inside this "secret" system of "enlightenment." I realized he had been quoting from it in something he said and which he had written down. Imagine

my surprise when even concrete proof got me nowhere with his employers, the C.E.O. and Chief Nursing Officer of the psychiatric hospital..

My experience, my recovery and my struggle with the mental illness system has been a real education to me to say the least. I have indeed been "enlightened" though not in the way I expect the nurse had it planned. Because of the outcome, I knew I had to look for more information both on the nurse's personal ""secret" system and the mental illness system as well. The parallel between both of them and the dysfunctional family also was quite shocking. No wonder

I could not differentiate the good guys from the bad guys.
In 2002, I got on the Internet for the first time thanks to Public access and researched the nurse's so called "game," hoping to find more details than the book provided in 99.

Though I have told the nurse's employer and many others all about it, they

have remained mute towards me, and even suggested many times that my failure to "let it go" and accept all of the losses without complaint (a concept right out of the game) "could" be seen as "signs" of MY "mental illness." I still face the possibility of more "help" if I do not agree to remain silent about this matter. The nurse remains protected by the hospital, and he and all those involved with the exception of a couple of them, remain employed there. They
all pretend they know nothing about what they did.

It is this attitude of the mental illness system, and the ease with which they took over control of my life and virtually destroyed it for me in the name of "help" that has motivated me to take this proactive stance. I am against a system that can totally invalidate me as a human being in ten to eleven cost effective minutes.

The evidence in my own case has meant precisely nothing to them, so now I am going to be as public about it as I can be, even though I know that doing so is putting me at risk of further " treatment." For I have been warned... It also does a lot for getting me harassed by the group's relatives and neighbours in a somewhat "covert" manner which includes spreading all the more "stories" which are supposedly about me but which are often about the attempts to justify the group's behaviour, by providing others with "proof" of how "crazy" I am.
I have been warned by the system that I am not "allowed" to talk about this publicly, nor "ask anyone if they have heard anything about this" as it will be considered to be '' inappropriate behaviour " on my part. In fact, I was told quite directly that I was being kept out of my job from 1999 to 2000 to prevent me from asking anyone, out here...in the world of reality...if they "had heard anything about this."

So, after years of research which only proved what I already knew, but also which gave me all of the abstract form of the nurse's system for obtaining power and control, I got the full understanding of which he spoke to me back near the beginning of his routine in 93. I could then match it to my concrete experience with him, his co-workers, and all the rest of his blind supporters throughout the community. I had been set up for this attack, (which I already knew before I broke down and which was "diagnosed" as part of my "symptoms" ) in a way which I (and anyone else involved) would only be able to see clearly with hindsight, if ever at all. With that hindsight I have now had for a number of years, here is the details of the method used by this psychiatric nurse to prove his "superiority" to himself, to me, and to everyone else he manipulated to act out on his behalf and at his direction. Basically, it went like this:

First he selected me as his target. (I think I may KNOW why but I am speculating on that one with my fairly new "hindsight") He had learned from his training that what he would get from it would be related directly to his concrete goal which he chose first. He would learn that it was the abstract concepts that he would be connecting to his personal goal. He then put out the bait with which to "hook" me. This bait was short little chats about topics of supposedly "mutual" interests, on enlightenment or spiritual matters, abstract vs. concrete reality, existentialism, books we may have read etc. ( which is right out of the base line of his "game." ) He was "hooking" whatever he wanted to remove from his circle. I realized afterwards that he was careful to make sure there were no witnesses to our little chats most of the time, which comes under the game concept of "witnessing." If anyone went by, he tended to stop talking. I thought he was

just being private.

In fact, he had to return a number of times to make sure I took the bait. Meanwhile, I believe he was feeding his co-workers an opposing version of the "reality" which was between he and them, again, "covertly." I suspect, but don't have the concrete proof of this, that he had actually started giving them a version of "reality" even BEFORE he sucked me into his little con game. I think the two original versions may have been:

1. The version I got, that he had some sort of personal interest in me (which he never did clarify though asked) and that there was some sort of "joke" or "game" going on between us. He had even said in one of the outer hall chats, "We have the same sense of humour too. You could take a chance...." then went back into his unit.

and (not or, as shown in the demo) gave them the opposite version. He had learned in his training that ''life is a joke; it's a game," something that I also learned in 99 when I found the book revealing the contents of this training.

2. The presumed version the group got:
That he had no interest in me, didn't have any idea what I was talking about, so they were playing a "joke" on me, and/or, that I was "schizophrenic" and this was an intervention.
I never could understand WHO got WHICH version of "reality" which he was defining for us all, nor WHEN they got them. I had the impression that he played ''switch'' a bit with that too.

As shown in his training, he then played the two sides of his opposing versions of reality, of against EACH OTHER; me as the target on one side, and the group of his co-workers at the hospital on the other. He had learned to enjoy watching the action between the two manipulated "sides."
He encouraged the group (covertly as always) to give their opinions about what was going on with me in order to get it going by group contagion as shown. In his training, microphones were given to everyone to share their opinions and any complaints, and also to offer their ''interpretations'' of the meaning behind the abstract concepts. He had seen that everyone always had various opinions about that. He also knew that the group members would PROJECT their own beliefs into the vague abstract offerings from him. Meanwhile he continued to bait me whenever it looked like I was backing away from him, just as his training demonstrates.

When I tried to talk to him directly about what, if anything, he wanted, he became MORE vague and abstract with me, something I asked him to please stop doing and just give me a straight answer. (I even called him a twit once about that) But you see, BEING vague and abstract is part of the set up. An important part of this is that it will allow him to do the existential "shift" in meaning whenever it suits him. When he does that, everyone involved tries to determine what he MEANS exactly, and he won't clarify that as he also knows that change causes persistence--that those of us who are NOT enlightened as HE is, and are still reasonable, will tend to keep trying to make sense of what is going on. That is because we have not been specially ''trained'' to get our own way by being "unreasonable", like HE has. He has been shown, has witnessed the power in that and how it can be used.

It is noted in the book by the Psych. Prof. that part of this routine is about the "set ups" that are often seen by the trainees as e.s.p. when the leader controlling the demonstration repeats back information collected from one person, to another person, through a third person. Only the one doing the gathering and the repeating is fully aware of the set up.
If you accept that life has no real meaning and there is no right or wrong, you too can learn to get your way by being ''UNREASONABLE. ''That's how he changes his "perspective" to gain power and control.

All the vague, abstract style of communication used by him caused everyone involved, myself and the group members, to attempt to "interpret" what was going on ( as demonstrated in the training) in order to try to make sense of it. ( You're starting to get the "fun" of this now aren't you?)

This was about the time that he had actually told me he was a member of this particular group and that he understood me BECAUSE he was one. He knew that I listened to the concepts behind the details when residential patients were altered, because I could validate someone on THAT level, even if I didn't know for sure if what they were saying was precisely concrete reality or not. He knew that like HIM, I also knew that everything was true on some level, and that I heard the symbolic meaning behind it just as he did. I had not taken this training myself, though I had heard of it, and knew something about it. At the time, I did not see the connection. It was one of the things I asked him to explain but got no answer. ( I had once said to another nurse in his presence that the patients in psychosis were not speaking in meaningless language when altered but rather in a more symbolic form of REAL meaning, about their real lives. ) I believe his lack of an answer was also out of the training processes as he was told, "you answer only the questions you feel like answering."

One day, not too long after that, it dawned on me that the "joke", the "fun" involving me was a demonstration of the training he had taken and of the existential shifting I had read about thirty years or so before. I decided that was what he had meant when he indicated to me (always vaguely of course) that this was a "joke" which I assumed included me in all the fun. After all, he had said to me in the same talk we had had about books we had read etc. ''We have the same sense of humour too. You could take a chance.''...Smiling broadly while he did this....with no witnesses to it. I guess that has something to do with the concept of ''Witnessing'' in his training; either having none there or perhaps having people attest to what they BELIEVED was going on as his witnesses, in relation to the premise of meaning he had given them from the beginning.

I was to find out later that it really DID mean something like that, but that I was the target, (or object) of his so called joke and at no time had been viewed as an equal human being or part of a group event for "fun." To him, it is LIFE that is the joke or the game, composed of winners or losers. At the time though, I even went along with it for quite awhile in the spirit of group "fun."

In reality, I was cast in the role of victim, opposite his aggressor, and the group he involved are the majority, who just don't get it and follow the leader without question. As the psychology prof. who wrote the book on his training noted; ''You can fool all of the people, most of the time.'' p.29 She also noted: ''It's about hate'' and clearly states, the power is real. He was, and is, ''making his life work'' as taught, by being in control of reality itself, creating and defining It for all others.

Meanwhile of course, he was apparently pushing his other version of "reality," involving as many people as he could, who, in turn, gossipped about it with nearly everyone they knew. As I write this account, it is now April of 2006, and they are all still yapping away, expressing their daily opinions on it all. It really is "amazing."
As is demonstrated in his training system, group contagion took over with everyone everywhere expressing their opinions. Around this same time I had started asking him if he was talking to other people about me while not bothering to respond to me directly, since I had started to hear snatches of what I was saying to him, but sort of warped somehow, from staff in other units from all over the hospital. He claimed he was not talking about me to anyone. I found that very odd since it seemed to be a non stop topic for everyone else, everywhere I went, including outside the hospital. Or were ALL these people just ''psychic''? As I was to learn form the 'experts" the whole thing has been jusdged not to have occured at all and "Really" I only "think" it did because I am crazy, just as my protagonist allegedly suggested to them, (unless he manipulated them to 'suggest" it to him, smirk) in the first place.

Then the repeating back of everything I was saying increased, just as shown in his system's demonstration as I was to find out years later. (the "psychic" con part of the demo.) It was already outside the hospital and being repeated back to me by a bus driver on the General Hospital route, over the City transit radio. Some of it seemed like a deliberate set up to me, designed to see what kind of a reaction they would get from me, as the driver smirked and called to his buddies over the radio. I now think part of it was JUST that, though I don't know even now which version of reality that was supposed to be. Was it intended as a joke as I soon assumed it to be? Or was it having a little "fun" messing with the head of the "nut?" I still don't know. I suspect he enlisted them to repeat back the things I was asking him or that others were "interpreting" about me.

What was I to think? Since it was after a little "test" the nurse gave me, as supplied by one of the DOCTORS on his unit, was I supposed to be the "schizo" who was going to think people were reading my mind perhaps? I wonder. Was I supposed to take this as a "joke" including me, or was I supposed to be deliberately driven into a psychosis, as many people HAVE been after the training, and assumed to be inherently defective as planned by my protagonist. Did he suggest from the beginning that I was a "schizophrenic" even to some of the people he involved? Was THAT his pre-planned goal? Is that what he was creating and defining as reality for me? I want these questions answered by means of a real investigation and have clearly stated that, over and over again.

Setting people up is considered to be acceptable behaviour in this nurse's training system. As long as they aren't anyone who is a member of his "special" group. He has allegedly stated to abuse victims at the hospital that "There is no right or wrong" and that THEY just need to change the way THEY look at it. It is amazing to me how often I hear this from so many. Including those who have not been trained in any officially identified cults. It is like saying it is no longer wrong to be the aggressor. It is only wrong to be the victim, often expressed as the VICTIM'S choice, and that it is the perception of oneself AS a victim and the emotional REACTIONS to that which is the "real" problem.
Perhaps this commonly accepted belief is the reason there are is such an abundant supply of "mechanical anuses" ( as the nurse's hero calls him) in the world today. I have been told many times that I only "think" I am a victim, since "really" it is believed that this sort of thing does not happen.

As I was to discover later though, turning reality around one hundred and eighty degrees is the constant feature in this nurse's ''secret'' power system, along with running the routine backwards in time so that it can't be seen until after it's too late. Perhaps this works so well, and so easily, because we are a society that routinely denies abuse and instead, finds the fault in those who complain about it, rather than in the abuser.

As I went through this so-called ''game'' I became more and more aware of the similarity to every other dysfunctional group led by aggressors with hidden agendas. Even the psych prof. saw the resemblance to the "Classic Family" headed by the patriarchal autocrat. I am always amazed by the ease with which such people gain the support of the majority. When I could not be heard telling them the truth in a direct way, it really began to scare me. If the truth didn't penetrate, what WOULD? I wondered how much harder it would be to tell them anything if I had never even HEARD of the nurse from hell's "special" training. At least I recognized it and knew where to BEGIN to look for information. What has happened to those who have not recognized it, out here in the world of reality, or to those who have never even heard of It? How many times has he done this before? I very much doubt he had been able to resist the temptation to use this power until he met me.

Later, I discovered it was pointed out inside the training that the majority would fail to see what was right in front of them. It was because of the switch at the beginning which few even noticed and the existential shifting of meaning from the deliberately vague abstractions of pseudo communication. I had read something about the shifting many years ago but I did not know about the switch part of it. It explained much to me. In fact, understanding the hidden switch and the reversed time sequence solved the puzzle for me; not only in relation to the nurse, but retroactively in other areas of my life as well.

As I tried to explain to one psychiatrist, or nurse, after another, without success, I also started to understand WHY psychiatrists could not hear the truth. They are trained too. Trained NOT to hear the same conceptual truth about families, workplaces, or school groups also. They hear complaints of the same routine as that demonstrated in the nurse's ''special'' training as ''mental illness'' in the complainant. They completely deny the group phenomenon even exists, even though they KNOW it is an essential component in breaking down the individual. I believe some of them call that depatterning.

Half the community got involved in my ''fascinating case'' and they are still ''assessing'' me in 2006, thirteen years after the nurse started it ( as far as from the time when I became AWARE of ''the game'') They are also still denying the whole thing!

In order to keep this a more compact version of my own personal experience, I will run through the rest of the concepts here, fairly quickly, connecting them to my own personal experience with the well trained stimulus-response machine who acted them all out as my protagonist. We are now approaching the halfway point.

These are the rest of the exercises, processes and principles out of his training.

First, he got all the rules by which he would run his game. He had to abide by the rules, without question, if he wanted to stay; to belong, to this group. He was told that before his training was over, he wouldn't know the difference between one word and another. He learned that it was about tearing people down and rebuilding them in accordance with his desires and specifications. He was not to justify anything to me, or anyone else. They told him they just use the rules because they work. (work HOW you may wonder?) Why, they don't even call them rules. They call them "agreements." (It sounds a lot like mutuality that way doesn't it?) He was told, "You make up the rules as you go along." (That's one of the rules)

He separated his target (me) from people I knew. It's a control thing you see. Control. They taught the soon to be professional mechanical anus, how to walk, how to talk, what to say, what he was "allowed" to eat , to drink, when he could go to the bathroom and what medications he would be "allowed" to take. A doctor would be telling them what they had to take. (MY...this sounds and feels so familiar to me; very psych hospital isn't it?) Those who had to take medications were set apart from the other in a special section. (The psych prof. who wrote this book noted the previous group of trainees in the room looked like automatons; mechanical)

My protagonist was shown how to gather personal information, and then ask others about things to which his target (me) might react and HOW these people, giving him information on this might react also. Also, the was taught to find three people the "subject" knows and find out how they, in turn might react to things. He questioned people who knew me and asked them for information about me, which apparently he got. He was told the training would give him "access" to things.

It was demonstrated or him that no notes or concrete evidence of what went on in the training was to exist which would reveal the concepts of the training (Actually, I think he may have dosed off just a bit during that part of the demo, as I have a few pieces of written material from him that DOES reveal some of the concepts) There was to be no discussion or revelation of these contents with "outsiders." (those who aren't enrolled in the organization) Therefore, I think if you asked, you would find that he did not tell his co-workers what he was doing either. I DID tell some of them though, and some of the psychiatrists too. They just decided it was all my "delusion." Did they all know back then that it wasn't?

In his training there was a point he reached where he "crossed the line" and this is where one begins to identify with one "side" or the "other" and where people begin to start acting it out. There are no clocks allowed either so that the sense of time itself becomes fuzzy. There is no psychological safety zone allowed in the training and they want everyone to be "committed." (This is the sort of thing that causes my protagonist's little eyeballs to roll back in his brainwashed head and feel the orgasm of delight caused by the absurd irony of It all) Get IT? "Committed." This is the part that is the "joke." to him. Har Har.

Sensory deprivation and group pressure was used to tear down the target prior to rebuilding it (or me) in the second half of the training; such as withholding food, water or sleep. (In my concrete life, flood lights were raised up to shine on my curtains all night during the tearing me down period and they flashed on and off all night whenever a squirrel sneezed. My windows were pounded on many times in the middle of the night. I felt like I was being drugged with something and told my employer so. She asked for a drug test for me when I was being admitted (committed) which I did not get. I told a therapist the same thing after the fact, that I had felt like a guy I knew years ago looked when he was taking speed. )
In my protagonist's training, stimulants are allowed but nothing sedating is allowed.

It was pointed out to him that what people experience as "reality" will be filtered through their beliefs and expectations. (The hospital staff proved the truth of that for him didn't they? What were THEIR beliefs and expectations about what was going on between the two of us? Were they by chance, the exact opposite of mine? Remember I once said it was like being stalked by proxy? Everyone supporting the aggressor and giving him information. Just as SHOWN in his secret training. )

He was told that "reasonableness" is the LOWEST level of consciousness. (There's the Switch! and the majority don't even notice it. He himself bought the "switch" but is not yet aware of it and what it will cost him for failing to see It. )When you "throw the switch" they say in the training, the light is either on or it's off. You either get it or you don't. (There is no part way getting it in this paradigm) He was told the true meaning of understanding in this game and that understanding was the prize for those who came in last in the race. He was shown (and then later secretly "shared" his "experience" with me as part of the chain reaction ) that he would be leaving decision making, hope, and help behind him while he was crossing that line that separated the inferior from the superior, and that once crossed, he (and subsequently I) would have to accept our inevitable fate as either a victim or an aggressor (cause we can't be both we are informed) and after that we would have to participate in this game by sharing our experience from our chosen point of view.
(The psych prof. noted that if anyone dared to disagree with the arguments presented by the leaders, they got shot down very quickly for it. Many of the arguments presented to invalidate any dissenting opinion seemed like a con job to her)
Then it was suggested again; "Keep the contents to yourself as it will only confuse those who had not taken the training."
(What this MEANS depends upon you motivation and goal. Is it a positive or negative statement to you? Is your goal to clarify or to confuse? Is it a true or false statement depending upon HOW you think? The psych. prof. noted here that obfuscation is DESIGNED to confuse. )
My protagonist was told that It's about communication. (Yes. It's presence, or the ambiguity of it, or the total lack of it, depending again upon your "perspective")

He learned that key words were a jargon used to communicate to members of his own group in a meaning outsiders would not understand or even notice. Common everyday words were given their own unique and alternate meanings within the group. ''Purpose'' for example means the continuous nature if It and ''ability'' means power. He was told that completed experiences disappear and that only those we resist continue to bother us. (Yet he and his friends continue to resist the truth I have told them and I continue to bother them about It. My perspective on the same words) He was shown that the group felt morally superior to those who did NOT follow the leader (authority) without question. They did what they were told to do. (The hospital employing my protagonist allegedly told them they were not to admit to anything. They also told me that I was not to attempt to confront anyone at The hospital about this assault on me by their own staff. )

He was told in his special group that he should feel free to use whatever he got out of his training, at his job. The phrases or concepts he hears which relate to it in the outside world are thought to make him feel a sense of connection to his superior group. He has yet to get HIS reward though for coming in last in the game of life. (as promised near the beginning of this so called ''joke.'')

He does not yet realize that according to the understanding of some, he is a link in a chain of losers, all suffering the effects of the training in relation to the one who has caused it, at the top of the pyramid of power and total control. He has left decision making, hope, and help behind him, just as he expects me to do, and he is expected to accept his fate. (He does not understand that what he 'switched" can be switched back, even though I told him that I could do It. he did not believe an "inferior" like myself could possibly understand what he does not. He knows I did not take the so-called training, so how could I possibly understand what he couldn't? It was rumoured afterwards that he had been "teaching me how to think." He also had written me a note to that effect, expressed abstractly of course. You see, both sides are losing in this 'game'. It is set up that way. There are no ''winners'' based upon making a choice between being a victim OR an aggressor. My protagonist apparently doesn't know that. It seemed obvious to me. But then, I realized that what seems obvious to me is a mystery to many others. This has much to do with my understanding about a lot of my life experiences now. It was one of the keys.)

He was instructed (as HE no doubt heard it) to participate in this game by sharing his experience as HE understands it. (Can those who trained him in this chain reaction help it if he TOOK It the "wrong" way?) He heard that he was to realize his experience. Understand It? Make it concrete? Did it dawn on him? Was he enlightened? Did he make it real, out here, in concrete reality? He learned that if he got on top of this experience, he could control everything and everyone whom he considered to be beneath him; like me, his co-workers, my landlords etc. Power. That's what It is all about. Power. He heard he could be the source at the top and in total control of everything that happens to him. (Absolute terms again. Bet he missed that too)

You see, the source is in a position right from the start, to shift existentially off the nexus point of abstract meaning and sidestep responsibility for everything that happens, to everyone else, because of it, including his victims AND the supportive aggressors who side with him as the leader. They are ALL losers compared to the one at the top of the experience who plans it. In fact, the one at the top is the ONLY one who can actually shift his way out of It. No one understands the system as well as the one who originally created it, for only he knows the real plan, the hidden agenda, and the true goal of his own recreation. Everyone gets to choose whether they prefer to "choose" the role of victim, being blamed for their victimization OR aggressors who choose to excuse themselves for their aggression by handing the responsibility for It to their victims.

My protagonist was shown that what all these abstract concepts meant, change, when the individuals project their own subjective experience, beliefs and attitudes INTO It; like I did, and his co-workers did, and the public they all involved did too. As long as he remained vague and abstract, there was no REAL proof that he had intended to do anything. All other people would take it whatever way they wanted to take It...just like he was shown in the training. He could not be held responsible for what any of them did, could he? Isn't this an excellent way to hand his problems to other people? He learned you see, that what he "does with problems is hand them to someone else. "

Once he selected his target (that wold be ME this time) he learned that he could get rid of me ("replace me" as he wrote down in one of his notes to me) by recreating and following the conceptual "play" that had been demonstrated for him in his training by connecting It to his own personal, specific, concrete goal. All he had to do was keep the true starting point of the game, the switch, his planned goal, and the abstract concepts a secret from me and everyone else involved, as instructed...if that is the way he took It.

Also in his training, he did exercise to point out the difference between concrete and abstract reality, between multiple meanings, between physical and metaphysical. (One of our little "chats" was about the difference between concrete and abstract meaning. Of course, at the time, I took this all at face value, and the topics as unconnected, just as it was intended that I should. )One of the fantasies was about getting rid of whatever targeted "item" he chose.

As he acted out in the role of aggressor, he got to see what it would be like to see the fear of his chosen victim when she could not reason with him, nor just get him to leave her alone. The victims are expected to accept responsibility for BEING victimized. It was demonstrated for him in the training, so he could observe what it was like for the victim to be trapped with no one to rescue her (me), no place to go, no way to escape the attack. He saw how I would feel when I was watched, followed, reported on, by more and more people, many of whom I would not even know.

His co-workers and many others, have been calling me stupid, from a few feet away, for many years. I am not "allowed" to confront any of them though, or talk about this publicly. If I do, his employer ( my pseudo saviours) will find out and I will face "treatment" for complaining about THEM. It is a very effective power isn't It? When I reported this experience to psychiatry, (his employers) they all heard It as "symptoms" as my protagonist knew that they would, for that is how THEY are trained to hear It.

He also learned to see anyone outside his group of "superior" people as the "enemy" from which the group as a whole, would protect itself by closing ranks. As shown, he collected information on me from more and more people he manipulated to help him and worked towards gaining "'access" to me as his training suggested it would. I later heard he had told them I was "schizophrenic" and he was just trying to help me as he knew all about this sort of thing. I also heard he had told some people that HE was afraid of ME (the switch of positions with the victim, although I think that is also true on some level) and someone heard that HE had called the police on ME and told them that I was stalking HIM! The training system DID promise he would feel more "confident." Did you now the term "con" in con man is short for confidence?

He was shown that he is reacting to similarities to his previous life experience and that this has made him totally controlled and mechanical. It was also pointed out to him that he can only knows what he knows when he knows it.( which is saying that a person can't deal with something if he doesn't recognize it for what it is. It Is) and that he can't fix it once it is already done. He can't change the "now" can he? Just to point this out to all concerned in my own case, as the target, THIS is now, and my protagonist and all his enthusiastic supporters, can't change what they have already done, or what they have continued to do, despite my telling them exactly what his game actually was, and IS.

He was told that he would receive his 'enlightenment' when he recognized that his strings were being pulled in. (or perhaps having his strings pulled?)

Then I heard that he had gotten himself let into my apartment(s?) by my landlords and a handy man who knew my former landlord and also was connected to an addiction counsellor who worked at the psychiatric hospital; the same counsellor I had once seen reporting, in a stairwell, with the handy man, TO my protagonist. (ah yes, the information gathering again)

The fear which is induced in the hunted target who knows someone is after her and has managed to get inside her home, so she is not even safe there, is also demonstrated in my protagonist's training. There are also comments made there about even psychiatrists being afraid of this "superior" group of well trained people. If he wanted control over everything in his life, it was suggested he became one of the people GIVING the ulcers, rather than getting them.
The switch was equated to someone steering a car with his rear-view mirror. Because they are looking behind them instead of ahead, they don't see the crash that is coming. My own protagonist, who is still looking back to the training of his past, does not see his own 'crash" which is about to occur.

In a chain reaction, I am being "taught" by him that reality is substantial and will knock me on my ass. It is also knocking everyone else involved on theirs, and last, but certainly not least, the chain reaction, which I interrupted and sent back towards my protagonist, will knock HIM down. That is the point when he will realize his own experience and see that by following his charismatic leader, without question as to his Purpose, he has become the source of HIS own pain.

MY protagonist was encouraged to make spontaneous choices without explaining them or thinking out the reason for them, and to do so in the name of ''aliveness.'' (give up discernment and just follow the leader) He was shown that he must ''win'' first by setting his concrete goal at the start and then doing whatever he needed to do to reach it. (like his leader did) Whether this is perceived as good or bad depends upon what the goal actually IS, doesn't it? But you see, to HIM, there is no good or evil, no right or wrong, and he has allegedly expressed just that opinion to those in the abuse program at the hospital.

So how did he get rid of his ''item''? (You know; that ''thing'' which can be ''replaced'' as he actually wrote down for me....oops! ) Well, he ''hooked'' me with the bait of ''mutual'' interests so that he could use it to pull me out of his circle and get rid of me. He learned that solving problems would just create more problems so he should not bother with attempts at resolution, he just gives his problems to someone else, just like management should hand it's problems to their staff members. I, or some of his co-workers could be used as scapegoats for the whole group.

He once asked me if I had ever worked somewhere where the politics was MORE important than the work itself. We both recognized the truth of that. He was shown that experience has component parts and was encouraged to connect his own personal experience, as an abstraction, to the ''item'' he wished to get rid of. He was told he was being given an opportunity and that he should participate in the process, only as long as it took to get rid of his targeted item.(me) The anger he associated with his personal past was to be directed at his target of choice. (again, that would be me)

(The psych. prof defined this as an orgasm of hatred and compared it to a ''snuff fantasy'', the eroticization of aggressive impulses. She also noted the emotional group contagion, a sort of catharsis for the group as a whole. )
My protagonist then watched a little psychodrama being acted out of aggressors and victims and was told he needed to make a choice about with which SIDE he wanted to identify. he was told to just follow instructions and take what he got. (What that means of course, as in all of this, depends upon with whom you identify. Does it mean ''take abuse from the aggressor and accept the idea that you ''CHOSE'' to be a victim? Or does it mean take it as an instruction on HOW to be an aggressor and sidestep responsibility for it, by BLAMING your victim?
It was pointed out to him that this exercise was a parallel to people and relationships in his personal life. The leader wanted to see how afraid they all were; wanted to reveal their fears to them. The previous group of trained zombies (the psych profs word) responded like an army of automatons set to intimidate the new group. (the psych prof. noted that they were all very rigid and looked catatonic) The leader induced fear in the trainees using the pre-trained mob to co-operate with him and his agenda. Many of the followers being trained broke down crying and whimpering under the group onslaught. Relentless confrontation and bullying tactics were used to break down their resistance. Most were intimidated and many tried to please the trainer as a way of avoiding his wrath. (much like abused children do when trapped in a situation where there is no escape)

All faults are found in the person being trained to react differently; never in the leaders. (authority figures) In fact, they were not "allowed" to find any fault in the leader nor in his system, though they COULD find fault in others, provided they did not go public about it. Any complaints had to stay within the four walls of the training room. My protagonist learned that this game was about domination and also that domination is a game played by children. Everyone then gave their own definition about what the "mind" was and of curse, many said "the brain." (Perhaps they were the mental health professionals or the politicians taking the training) They were told that they seek agreement with others because they are afraid of being a**holes. It as acted out they shouldn't let the authority figures CATCH them behaving badly.

The difference between fantasy and concrete reality was demonstrated for them such as touching a flower and imagining oneself tap dancing on the top of a gigantic flower. MY protagonist was shown how to practise situations until he could act them out perfectly; use the phone to contact your target(s), gather and keep files of information on them. As far as behaviour goes, he is to hide in an opaque compartment (so that no one can see the real him) and then up goes the wall, like a curtain on a stage onto which he enters like an actor in a play which he himself writes, directs, produces and acts as cameraman. Just as if it was a scene in a movie, his role studied to perfection. HE creates reality itself. He was told he could change his personality as easily as changing a suit. He could make the movie in his mind come out any way he wants. (in his mind...on the level of fantasy...) He was told he was concerned with one thing and one thing only...his own survival.

He was told that ego means being in his own mind and that he is already perfect; that survival means expanding that which is his own mind, to cover the universe and invalidating any other point of view. (being out of his mind, in other words.I believe this would be called sarcasm) He was told that the survival of his mind meant dominating, being right and never wrong and self justification. He was told that was more important than life itself. (Is this an accusation or revelation about the motivation of aggressors? Or is it an instruction TO aggressors? Depends upon your ''perspective'' doesn't it? Aggressors are those who feel entitled to do what they do at the expense of others) He was shown how to remove the barrier (some might call that barrier, conscience or empathy) between him and his desires.

Anyone who stood up to the leader , or disagreed was pressured and often humiliated by the other group members. (The psych. prof felt ashamed of the perverse voyeuristic pleasure which even she felt when she looked back on the experience.) My protagonist was then shown that words which may sound the same can have a different meaning depending upon the context, including being meant as physical when metaphysical and visa versa. Example: the words soul and sole. (The psych prof. noted that concrete reality was made unclear in this training. ) I had told a psychiatrist and my employment supervisor at the time, well before I broke down, that I had to get this stopped as I was having trouble staying connected to concrete reality now and that it was because I could not sort the truth out of all the contradictory information and multiple versions of reality with which I was being bombarded daily.

My protagonist, the "trickster," was taught to focus on "what" he wanted to eliminate The disconnect from external reality, done first, (the tearing down process or fragmentation method, or "depatterning" if you prefer) by remaining abstract in all communications demonstrates the first steps in the control of the leaders over the lives and minds of others, who may need to be eliminated, so that he can maintain his delusional belief in in his own "perfection." Platitudes pass for communication. Sessions of group hypnosis were repeated throughout his training and used as reinforcement. The training featured constant emotional extremes which was described as "a roller coaster ride." As soon as a relaxation exercise was finished, the group was revved up to fear and high anxiety again. (much like I observed in my protagonists co-workers and the public which they involved in it everywhere, which was denied. I learned that when they were standing in little groups, folding their arms and tilting their heads together in their on going "assessment" of me, that it was no "joke" as I assumed it to be at the time, as the "leader" of this "game" led me to believe.

In the fear exercise, he was told to imagine himself surrounded by people that he needed to fear and that the number of them kept growing. To imagine there was no place to feel safe, no one to turn to for help (which was being left behind him) and no escape possible. He was told to imagine what it would be like to be watched and followed, realize that someone is after you and that you are not even safe in your own home. (as I was not and may not be, even now) Imagine that men are getting into your apartment even as you are trying to get away from them. (which I experienced in concrete reality and for which I was told I was "crazy and needed "help." As the psych prof. pointed out, "you cannot reason with the aggressor NOR can you get him to just leave you alone." Something very much like I told one of his nurse co-workers about him before I broke down) Now, here comes the "joke" for this part of the training: "Everybody else is afraid of you! (the trainee) Including your psychiatrist!" Now he was told to notice how everyone is afraid of HIM, out here, in concrete reality.."So, who would you rather be with?" he was asked. (The one doing the assaulting OR the one being assaulted?)

Now, it is said that at this pint of the training, many of the followers start to feel really powerful, and now, everyone who stays in will begin to "cross the line " together. My protagonist was told that he should have such an attitude that people will want to cross the street when they see him coming. (I know that I do. The sight of him and the knowledge that he has been protected and supported by the psychiatric hospital that employs him, for about a dozen years past the time when I told them what he was doing, nauseates me pretty good. )

Many in the training were manipulated to actually say, "There is no reason in what I do." Though some seemed to be able to hear it and an amused smirk likely appeared, most did not seem able to hear themselves. Isn't that amazing? It is the followers who do not question things that often do not hear any absurdity in the obvious truth they speak. As is stated in my protagonist's training, "Everything that is being said is TRUE, BUT, what is driving it has been switched. (perhaps he is being driven by the desire for domination he sees in his 'rear-view mirror'?) and he is enthusiastically supporting It. He is following the "authority" figure who tells him he cannot question either the leader or his system. In this upside down backwards, reversed in time, the absence of reason and group aggression is being enthusiastically promoted as the means to achieve "total control," and the MAJORITY are jumping on the bandwagon, trained to fail to see what is right in front of them.

This is reality reversal; reason has become unreasonable, logic = illogic, below has become above, the top has become the bottom and the bottom the top, and the aggressor has become the victim. The whole thing is quite literally and metaphorically, the "image" of reality. (reversed, like the reflection in a mirror that does not really exist. Everything in It is nothing UNTIL, or unless, those trained in the concepts of It, bring it to concrete reality by recreating It. By giving it form and substance. That is what gives this Shadow world, this illusion it's life. (I once told my employment supervisor that my protagonist's "game" had take on a life of it's own and that it was out of control) It's followers are told they are building an empire. This is my protagonist's recreated illusion for both me and his co-workers, one of which was said to have stated it was only natural to take the side of one of your "own" over that of an outsider)

In my adversary's training it is shown: reality is that which manifests concretely, and it is stated: "What is unreal is that defined by agreement, consensus or authority. (his co-workers, the opinions of city employees and university staff or psychiatrists at the hospital) What this nurse causes is whatever is experienced concretely. He was taught, "the agreement on reality is the illusion created. False cause is defined as the point where everyone involved in reaching the agreement on reality stops all further search. (if I am the cause as the genetic defective as I am declared by the participants to be, the group, certain that it knows, will see no need to look any further, will they? So, no one does. All decide they will walk away from it and leave me at effect with it.

It was shown to my self appointed adversary that who is cause and who is effect, depends upon the point from WHERE you are looking. If you see me for example, as the starting point then you won't hear the truth I am telling you. Once I , the one affected by it, have been accepted by the group as the cause, It creates a chain reaction of effects, as demonstrated in the nurse's training. One cause at the start, then all effect, effect, effect, etc. ( a ripple effect) The choices for the one at effect were also demonstrated for him as such:

1. If I resist (resistant) I get hurt.
2. If I try to run I get chased. (like from one apartment to another for example by my adversary, his co-workers and his supporters)
3. If I do nothing at all I remain a "good" compliant victim.

He was also shown that I could go to source (try talking to him, reasoning with him) intercept the hit, (try to stop him ask him why etc.) or I could become like the source (identify with the aggressor and do to others the same thing he did to me?) Or, the other thing he was shown was that I could just step around behind him (like he stepped around behind me and blindsided me) and let his own momentum take him. Though I did not know at the time that was also in his training, that is sort of what I decided to do. (I once told him in person, face to face, at the hospital, before I broke down, that I could "turn this back around on you, you know." ) I decided I was going to try to expose him as the only way to stop him since by that point I realized, "This jerk is not kidding and this is no "joke" that includes me. He is doing this for REAL! I probably wasn't supposed to even know that what he was doing WAS his training. I knew I would not be able to prove it. So I just kept right on letting him think I was still playing the game unaware of what he was really doing. I continued to repeat back everything being acted out for me by so many others, while also trying to tell people what he was really doing.

In my adversary's training, as he approached the end of his sessions, the previous generation of trainees, demonstrated the chain reaction once again by returning, full circle,back to the starting point. Now, they were the leaders who passed on their training to the next group must starting out. Basically, they repeated back to the next generation, the information they had already collected on them, which had included their expected reactions to it and the manipulations needed to get them to buy what was being sold to them. Once again, the next generation was "amazed" by what they were yet to understand, which at that point was deliberately hidden from them. This is the point where the trainees have completed their "Pi's". They then know (or would know if they did not fail to see It) that what they thought was so ''amazing'' and possibly ''e.s.p.'' was scripted right from the start. Only a few of them will really get it after they look back at what they went through.

For those who had returned to the starting point, completing their Pi, the training was over. For them, it could be either a revelation, an accusation or an instruction, depending upon the individual's "point of view," the filter of understanding and personal belief through which the individual actually HEARD It. There is no concrete proof that the leader actually INTENDED to do anything harmful or that the training meant anything specific at all. It is all a "matter of perspective" as is said of It. As it is also said at the end of the training, "There is nothing to get so you get It." After that they "do something about it" in relation to whatever It is, to them. They may now choose to share the experience of It, as whatever It represents to the individual, with the external world. They are cautioned though to keep it's "secrets" in order to preserve their "special" status as a "superior" group. Most of them don't really get the whole thing. If they did they would understand that they need to get OUT of It altogether. It is the false premise at the start of this PI, the loop of destruction, that is the basis of It's power.

In conclusion, all the well trained followers now raised their hands high over their heads and clapped and clapped and clapped, enthusiastically, praising their training and admiring the charismatic leader who had given them THE answer to life, which had made them "superior" to all others who did not belong to their special group.

Why the clapping?
Well, they had been taught you see, to applaud without discernment, anytime, anyone in their group, said anything at all. They were now fully trained "mechanical anuses; stimulus-response machines who, they were told by those who had trained them, could not help being who they really were.

Stay tuned for part 2: The Final Solution

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