Sunday, October 28, 2012
Dealing with Narcissists
By Patricia Lefave, Monophrenic
When engaged in power struggles and contests with narcissists we often ask them directly, “why are you doing this to me?” or “what are you doing”? Though the questions seem pretty obvious and straightforward to us, the narcissists don't actually understand them, though they “think” that they do. In any case narcissists don't answer such questions as to do so would ruin their “game.” The “game” runs on a “covert” agenda.
To understand narcissistic thinking and behaviour you have to understand HOW the narcissist thinks about himself and others. It is all about HIM and proving his superiority to himself.
(and often third parties as well, who do not understand what is going on between you and the narcissist, though they often believe they do, as the narcissist seems so “nice” to THEM. That too is part of the “game.”)
It is because of this being all about him, that he doesn't actually know the meaning of your questions. The narcissist is “fooling” you so the fact that you asked the questions indicates to him that his game of domination and superiority is working for him. He hears your questions then, like this:
My target is so stupid and inferior s/he doesn't even know why I am doing this. This sure proves I am right about being superior and powerful.
Talk about an idiot of a target...s/he doesn't even know that I am trying to get a distress reaction or that s/he is in a contest with me that s/he can't win as I am going to be right no matter what she says or doesn't say..
The narcissist does not know that your questions ACTUALLY means something like this:
Why are you creating some kind of contest with me as if we were engaged in some kind of bizarre power struggle?
What do you imagine that you are doing and what is the point of your doing this?
Why are you telling other people that something else is going on when you know that this is not true?
The mistake we make when dealing with narcissists is that we are looking for reason or logic in someone as an explanation, or motivation, for what they do. When we can't find that, we tend to feel confused or puzzled about them. The narcissist views this REACTION as “proof” of his “winning” the contest he is in with YOU.
In reality reason /logic has nothing to do with it. In fact, we as the targets actually have little or nothing to do with it, as they don't see us as being as “real” as they are, but only like props in their self deluded power and control “play” or “game.” They don't see us as having a real, or legitimate, point of view because if they did, they would have to understand that they are the deluded, stupid ones and that is the LAST thing they want to know about themselves. Narcissists live inside a self protective, circular delusional psychology, an infinite loop in which they are always right no matter how much evidence there is that they are not right. Evidence is of no interest to them. They tend to make any evidence that cannot just be easily ignored “fit” into their needs. It is all about THEM. The only way to stop this nonsense is to expose the game ITSELF in it's entirety from beginning to end, apart from the concrete details, which often vary from case to case. It is on the metaphysical level that this needs to be clearly seen and understood so that it can no longer be used for the personal payoff narcissists get from using it. This power is secrecy dependent. So we make it recognizable by shouting the secrets of the narcissists' delusional system and the reasons why it works, and how it works, from the proverbial “rooftops.”
That is metaphorical rooftop shouting of course. If you ACTUALLY go out and shout this from the rooftops, the controlling narcissist in your life may use that as “proof” of your inferior mind and therefore HIS/HER superior status as well and we don't want to accidentally feed the ongoing power and domination delusion now, do we?